Yes, it's a fact....Bipolar people should blog......really!

Since this is my first blog, I will explain me, in my words, no edits, no shyness (not that I know how to be shy), no nothing. My life story, so hold on, this is a LONG BUMPY RIDE. It will be scattered and jumpy, but hey this is my head, you probably couldn't handle it ;)

My now:
I am 31 years old, I have children, several of them, I have a husband, just one of those, I own my home with my husband. Our youngest child, who is 2, has Cancer, Neuroblastoma to be exact. If you want to know about Stage IV NB, look it up, but be forewarned it's not pretty. I have a 7 year old princess, she's my only girl what else would she be? I have a 10.5 year old son that is the future president, or a used car salesmen, and angels...Oh I have several Angel's, baby's taken from me because they were too precious to grace this earth. Nope, no miscarriages, full term, taken from me. I have several medical issues, the oldest one, Bi-polar, when I was diagnosed it didn't have that cool fancy name. It was just plain ol' Manic Depressive. I am more manic then depressive. I'm also, borderline Disassociate Identity disorder, again a fancy name for multiple personality disorder. I have 3 Active personalities and a supressed one. Medically, meaning out of the shrinks office I have Graves' desease. Fancy shmancy name for an over active thyroid, and for as little as that thing is it sure caused alot of problems for me. Damn near killed me. Looking back over my years on this earth, my thyroid could have quite possibly been responsible for other medical issues as well. It has been irradiated therefore killed. I have no thyroid to cause problems anymore. I have spent the last 9 months in and out of The Children's hospital of Philadelphia because of my sons Cancer. I wear sweatpants and hair ties because it's easier and I have no one to impress.

I have rage issues, this goes beyond bi-polar and everything else, it goes along with having one skrewed up childhood, and even worse teen-dom and a not so good adulthood. I haven't had a Rage "flare-up" in a long time, hopefully it stayes that way. I searched for years for my "faith" and beliefs" I've been to every kind of church and place of worship you could imagine in my life. At 17 years old I latched on to a woman that was Pagan. When I say latched, I mean connected with her. She amazed me. I was completely taken by her. She wined me and dined me and told me of her faith. I was hooked. From then on I wrote about, talked about, read up on, researched everything I could about Paganism and everything that went with it. After I joined the military, I knew where I belonged. I chose Wicca. Wicca was my calling, and not as structured as Paganism. You will learn that me and structure don't belong in the same sentence.

I am a HUGE coffee drinker. I drink too much! It's my drug of choice. I guess it could be worse.

I put my heart and soul into my children and my husband. Leaving absolutely no time for me. I can't tell you the last time I did something for me that didn't involve, in some weird twisted backwards way, doing for my children or my husband anyway.

I have always loved too much and wound up pushing my love away or getting walked on for it. Wanting so much just to be loved that way in return. I've been beaten, yelled at, slapped around, shit on and walked all over. It didn't last long, but it was there all the same. The last man that put his hand on me, got the shit kicked out of him by yours truly. I couldn't stand for that, in the name of love. I thought for years that abuse was the only way to love. If these men are paying that much attention to me it must be love, they could ignore me right? Well thankfully, now I know better.

I am extremely loyal to my friends and always tell it like it is. I don't have a lot of friends because of it. Most of my "friends" walked out when my son was diagnosed with Cancer. I say, "see ya in the next life, Karma is a bitch!" Then I have those people that are always here no matter what I do to them, or they do to me, I just can't get rid of them. Nor do I want to.

I am a very sexual person. I've been there and done that. There isn't much I haven't done in the sex department. I am happy to say I am loving being married and having crazy sex with my husband. I'll keep it that way. Finally.

Well since this rant is winding down I will call it quits until the next window pops up waiting for my words.

~J